


They Were All I Had

by prpldragon50



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Danny Angst, Danny Williams Children, Death, Gen, Steve Angst, Steve guilt, secondary character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 10:26:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10965345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prpldragon50/pseuds/prpldragon50
Summary: Steve stares down at his shoes, watching the bugs crawling toward the newly disturbed earth, looking to make a new home.  He wants to stomp them all out in retaliation; they have no business burrowing and making a new home here.  Not here.  He continues to stare at the ground unable to raise his eyes to those around him.  The pain and loss in all those eyes, staring at him, is too much.





	They Were All I Had

**Author's Note:**

> Please read this before continuing on. This was written while I was in the deepest of my depression. I was writing for cathartic reasons and this was one of the stories that came out. I apologize for the subject up front but this one is definitely a story of being in a dark place. Do not continue if you have an issue with any H50 character dying, even a secondary one. There is a little hope at the end that McDanno may be reunited sometime in the future. After all...(see end notes)

** They Were All I Had **

 

            Steve stares down at his shoes, watching the bugs crawling toward the newly disturbed earth, looking to make a new home.  He wants to stomp them all out in retaliation; they have no business burrowing and making a new home here.  Not here.  He continues to stare at the ground unable to raise his eyes to those around him.  The pain and loss in all those eyes, staring at him, is too much. 

            They all blame him.  And they’re right.  It was his fault; what happened.  Maybe if he’d just waited things would’ve turned out better.  But there hadn’t been any time.  He’d been trained for this and he did what needed to be done.  Who knew the guy was completely insane? 

            He watches a bug crawl over his shoe on its way to make a new home in the soft dirt.  It reaches the edge and goes over, disappearing down with the thousands of others building new ‘highways and byways’, waiting for it to be filled in.  He sees another one crawl over his other shoe, heading in the same direction and he follows it as it weaves amongst the other feet in front of him and disappears over the edge. 

            He can hear the priest’s voice but the words have no meaning.  Nothing has meaning anymore.  The voice just drones on and on.  All Steve can think about is that fateful day.  

            They’d met at the diner for lunch and things were going well until that insane lunatic crashed in the door and pulled the first two people near into his grasp.  Steve had immediately gone into SEAL mode, jumped out of the booth, pulling his SIG and telling him to let them go.  He could see in the perp’s eyes he was completely wasted and had to be careful how he handled this.  He comforted the two in psycho’s arms, assuring them all was going to be fine.  He could talk this tweaker down and keep them safe.  He’d done it before. 

            He’s brought back to the present when the priest’s voice stops and he feels people moving around him.  He takes a chance and looks up, right into the saddest, most pain-filled eyes he’s ever seen.  He can’t hold their gaze and he has to look away; back down at his feet.  He feels eyes all on him and he can’t even move.  He stands there, unsure what to do.  He knows he wasn’t wanted here, but he couldn’t stay away. 

            “Commander.  I can’t believe you have the audacity to show your face here!”  Rachel Edwards all but yells at him.  “You have no right to be here.  It’s your fault we’re here at all.  If you hadn’t been there, we wouldn’t be here!  You take everything good and turn it into shit!  I don’t ever wanna see your face again!”  She slaps him across the face.  He stands there and takes it, letting her hit him as many times as she needs.  He feels he deserves it. 

            Finally, Stan approaches and pulls her off him, wrapping her in his arms and moving away, trying to calm her.  Steve looks back for those sad eyes, but they are gone, too.  He looks around and finds himself alone; standing at the open grave, wishing it was him. 

            He feels it should be him.  He did everything he could.  He actually followed procedure and went by the book.  The negotiator had been forty-five minutes away and he knew this guy wouldn’t last that long.  He needed to be talked down or taken down in the next few minutes.  He remembers talking to him, trying to get in his head and figure out, other than the drugs, what brought him to this point.  And it seemed as though he was getting through to him.  He was relaxing; hell, he was actually smiling.  He should’ve known right then how this was going to end, but he got cocky and thought he was doing well. 

            At that point, everything slowed down and seemed to move in slow motion.  The tweaker’s smile turned to a huge grin and before anyone could move, he slit the throat of one of his hostages, pulling the other in front, blocking any open shot.  He started laughing, hysterically, as he looks around, his arm wrapping around the one left, his hand with the large knife pressing in the side and, letting out a loud screaming laugh, plunges the knife all the way in, allowing them to fall to the floor.  He holds his arms up and shots ring out, falling back into the booth Steve had vacated only minutes before. 

            Suddenly, everything moving back in real time, he runs over the one with the knife in their side, knowing that taking it out would be a mistake.  He stripped off his vest and then shirt, pressing it around the wound, trying to limit any movement of the weapon.  He looks over at the other, trying to stay objective, but it’s hard.   Before he completely loses it, he brings all his concentration on the one before him, doing his best not lose this one. 

            He remembers hearing, while pacing the waiting room, still covered in blood, that there had been a goodbye/suicide note in the dead kid’s pocket.  He had never planned on leaving that diner alive.  And if he could take some with him, all the better.  No matter what Steve had done, he was going to kill any hostages and then commit suicide by cop.  He’d lost it at that point.  He stormed out of the hospital, needing to take his anger on out something or someone, but there was no one.  The kid was dead.  He’d finally wound up on his beach, swimming until he could swim no more.  He’d changed quickly and went back to the hospital to check in.  Nothing had changed but he’d stayed.  It was all he could do. 

            Two days later, he’d stood off to the side at the first funeral, not wanting to intrude, knowing he wasn’t wanted.  He’d said his piece the day before and wanted to show his support. 

            Now here he was four days later at the second funeral, alone and wishing he was in that hole and not the innocent that was lying there.  It should be him. 

            Head still hanging, he walks back to his truck, all other vehicles now gone.  He didn’t realize he’d been standing there, lost in his thoughts, for that long.  No one, other than Rachel, had approached him; no one had spoken to him.  They didn’t know what to say.  They all knew he blamed himself and he knows they all blame him, too. 

            Not wanting to go home, he drives north, just needing to get away.  Darkness settles over the island and he stops, curling up in the truck and falling into a nightmare-ridden sleep. 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

            The sun shining through windshield wakes him, crick in his neck and all.  Blinking his eyes, he forgets for a minute where he is.  Looking around, getting his bearing, he realizes he must face reality, starts the truck and turns for home. 

            Pulling in, he sees a large manila envelope resting against his door.  As he gets closer he recognizes the writing on the front, his name big and bold.  Hand shaking, he picks it up, unlocks the door and steps inside.  Sitting on the recliner, he carefully opens it, pulling out the letter.

            ‘Dear Steve,

I’m sorry to inform you this way but I just cannot face anyone at this point.  I put in my resignation with the Governor, which he accepted.  Included is a copy for your records; the keys to my desk in which my badge, service piece and all my other paperwork can be found.  All your gear that was in the trunk is in the locker.  I already said goodbye to everyone else so you are the only one left. 

I know you did what you thought was best.  You did everything by the book.  Yes, it should have worked.  Who knew that kid had no intention of ever walking out of there?  We certainly didn’t.  You did nothing wrong, no matter what anyone else says.  Please, don’t blame yourself.  I don’t. 

But I can’t stay here.  This was their home.  Everywhere I look, I see my kids, Steve.  There’s no where I can go that won’t remind me of them.  I can’t do that every day.  Losing one would’ve been bad enough.  But to lose both?  I can’t stay here.  I don’t know where I’m going to go.  I haven’t decided, yet.  Somewhere I won’t be reminded of them every single second.  Somewhere that wasn’t home.  I’m sorry I’m not doing this in person.  You are also too much a reminder of them.  They loved you so much, Steve.  You were another father to them, not just an uncle.  I just need to get away.  By the time you read this, I will already be on a plane, so don’t think you can stop me.  They were all I have.  They were the only reason I stayed on this island, you know that.  Without them, I have no reason to stay.  Melissa is going to be joining me once I get settled, but please don’t bother her for my location.  I will be in touch when I’m ready.  I’m asking you nicely.  Please. 

Rachel and Stan are leaving, also.  They are moving to Vegas.  She won’t be bothering you.  I’m sorry about her outburst at Grace’s funeral.  She’s grief-stricken and I don’t know if she will ever recover.  Maybe she and Stan can finally have a child together.  I don’t know. 

Take care of yourself, buddy.    I will be in touch.  I love you, but I can’t stay here.  Maybe one day I can come back, but it’s too much right now.  Keep up the good work.  I’ll be in touch. 

Love you, buddy,

Danny.’

            Steve lets the letter fall to floor and looks up at the big picture on the wall.  They had taken it only a month before when they’d all gone to the north shore for the day.  Lynn, Melissa, Grace, Charlie, Danny and himself.  It had been a perfect day.  For the first time since this had happened, he lets the tears fall, not trying to stop them. 

**Author's Note:**

> ...it is where Danny's kids are. I will now go and hide and take the dark muse with me. Please be kind.


End file.
